FUCK THE MAMMOTH

1

Playoff Series Ever Played, Zero Survived

One playoff series in the whole history of the team. One. They lost it. Zero percent win rate, kid, and a hundred percent chance somebody says the future is bright.

2

Cups Won by Other Teams Since Their First Game

Two Cups handed out since the first puck. Florida got one, Carolina got one, and Utah watched both on the couch with a bag of Dunks munchkins.

2

Overtime Losses in Their Only Playoff Series

Two overtime losses in one series, games four and five, five-four both times. They don't even lose quick, pal. They drag it out like a bad date.

3

Straight Losses After Leading the Series 2-1

They led the series two games to one. Two to one! Then they lost three straight, like a guy who opens with a great line and falls off the bar stool.

4

Playoff Losses in the Whole History

Six playoff games ever and four of 'em losses. Two out of three, kid. Same odds as my cousin gettin' a text back.

7

Points Short of the Playoffs in Year One

Seven points short in year one. Eighty-nine points, and St. Louis got in with ninety-six. That's not a miss, pal, that's a guy showin' up to prom in the wrong zip code.

23

Goals Allowed in Six Playoff Games

Twenty-three goals against in six playoff games. Almost four a night, kid. Their goalie saw more shots than a Southie wedding.

83

Regular-Season Losses in Two Seasons

Eighty-three regular-season losses in two seasons, overtime ones included. That's one every nine days if you count the summer, and I'm bein' generous.

170

Games Played, Zero Stanley Cups

A hundred seventy games in the history of the franchise, zero Cups. That's a hundred seventy dates and not one of 'em went all the way.

384

Days With No Nickname, Just "Hockey Club"

Three hundred eighty-four days with no nickname. They were the Hockey Club, kid. That's not a name, that's what you write on a binder.

768

Days Since Their First Game, Zero Cups

 

More than seven hundred days since the first puck and zero Cups, and the first game was a win, kid. That's the last time anybody in Salt Lake felt good about the future.